to the only one who would ever come back to this.

hi crumb.

It’s July 22nd, 214 and I’m back on my island. now I know why it was the one place I was always dying to show you. It’s weird how every time I return I feel like nothing’s changed but me. truth is, I thought about you today. not because I wanted to, but by accidentally coming upon our kakao chats that I saved a long time ago in my gmail account. It dates back from february 21, 2012 to June 10, 2012. It’s actually the only thing I have left of you, or us. I tried to get rid of anything that would trace my thoughts back to you. but later on realised that it wasn’t necessarily getting rid of things that could make you forget (we left our fingerprints everywhere really). It’s been over a year since you left. to be frank I saw you once a few months back at the opposite end of the crosswalk with miss lioness. I did the only thing I should have done, which was walk fast and straight to the dentist. It bothered me that it didn’t bother me. I would have never imagined this scenario back in our chats from 2012. I can write this now because for the first time I’m not mad. usually when I think of you, I get quite bitter. but right now, I don’t want to think of the words you said that morning, nor the way you shook my hand away from you, nor the fact that you put money in my front pocket to send me on a cab away from you. 

I’ll stop there. I read our chats ‘til april. remember the 2 weeks? the whole time I was reading, I was laughing. we were silly, crumb. we were awfully naive. we hadn’t a single clue. 

It saddens me that people change, crumb. It saddens me most that it had to be you. 

I hope you are well. I know you are well, and will continue being well. I hope you have found yourself, and I wonder if you like yourself. but if I could say something, I’d like to tell you that you are who you were before you met me. you are kind. you are thoughtful. mindful. you are generous, and you are patient. you are gentle, you are good. and God loves you more than I ever could, more than anyone ever will. I hope you have grasped the meaning of grace, and the meaning of forgiveness. and love. so that you may give it. 

I hope you have forgiven me, in my brokenness in loving you. and if you have, I wish I could know.

I have already heard that you found love again! I hope it is everything and more of what you dreamt it to be. and if by miracle or by accident our paths cross again, I hope by then we are big enough to bless each other. pakikisama, right?

thanks for remembering.